The following is a fake true story, it's not some hoary allegory
It really didn't happen, the facts presented are whack like swattin' flies
Good evening, guys!
I've devised a special surprise for your eyes and ears only
So please keep your cheers and tears sincerely phony
And please excuse any abuse of auto-plagiarism
My retro-perfectionism's a legitimately false infection
Hard to detect by present intellectual-protection technology
Honestly!, but not really
So without further willy-nilly, bullshitty or adoo-doo
I present to you and you, but not you!
Please escort that person out of the room
While I embark on a farcical yarn one-hundred-percent authentically untrue
Get it yet? I've been spittin' oxymorons for comical effect!
Gotta give credit when it's deserved: the dude has nerve
Shamblin' like a preserved corpse embalmed in Steel Reserve
Straight outta self-inflicted Third World, USA
"Hey hey hey, man, watch me do a flip!
"Now tip me or gimme a dip o'tobaccy!"
Smack-happy vegan snackin' on french fries, coke, dope and cracky
Crack open another Old Milwaukee
He's gawking, snot bubbles frosting his lip stubble
He stalks me for three blocks past meth-hovels and sloppy body-mod shops
Where hip Dicks get crooked dicks pricked
And chicks get "Gun-apostrophe-ess and Roses" tattooed on their no-nos
No one knows the latest occasion Mr. Vagrant bathed, the aroma's depraved
My nose is enslaved by a veritable buffet of indelible stenches
The acrid haze scrapes against my gentle senses
The putrescence is omnipresent
Fresh air's a fuckin' legend, bereft of breath, my chest compresses
My next step is a stumble, my carcass crumbles, I fumble my brain-ball
AWOL: dereliction of psyche
The derelict trips up behind me, tumbles right on top of me
He's got me where he wants me as he flaunts his lack of hygiene
Usin' a non-existent thing as a means of coercion
As he asserts his odor I exert myself to keep from purgin'
The miasma's burnin' a hole in my pocket, my wallet's absconded
I don't even try to stop it 'cause I'm tryin' not to vomit
I say, "Take the money, all of it, then take a bath or somethin'!"
He says, "I'll just take the twenty since you're twenty kinds o'nothin!
"I'm an institution, stupid, it's useless to dismiss me
"'Cause I'm the Keystone-swillin' corner-stone of urban modernity!
"I'll be hauntin' every corner from here to eternity
"'Cause I'm ubiquitous like syphilis in college fraternities!
"You're my customer for life, and I can smell that you're scared o'me
"'Cause you've been made my latest victim of subjectional charity!"
And as he wanders off he hollars back his paltry, parting words:
"Peace, brah, I'll be chillaxin' at the hacky-sad-sack drum-circle-jerk!"